I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
