i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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