Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
third nipple confirmed
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
