there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
