Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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