I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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