We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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