So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
