I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
