Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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