my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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