I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
