also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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