My hair reeks of homosexuality.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
