my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
