Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
