Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
That accounts for only three of the penises
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
