lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
