my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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