Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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