So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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