My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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