Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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