i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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