Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize