My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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