put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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