Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
