you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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