Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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