It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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