The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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