I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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