I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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