I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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