i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize