Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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