remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
