So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
