4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
