it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
