Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
