awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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