Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize