i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
