i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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