If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want nice things and good sex
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
