I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
