Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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