he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
