the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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