my phone needs a breathalizer
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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