do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say đ
Fuck me I smell like cheese
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have âdaddy issuesâ. Fuck all of you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sorry Iâm late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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