Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
