Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The cops high fived after they tackled you
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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