Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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