So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
All I want is dick and wine.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
