I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize