just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
