we're chasing vodka with high fives
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
