i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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