I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
