Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
