I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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