i jhust puked up my retainher.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
